For those of you know didnít know this, I announced my candidacy for president
back in December of 2006.
Since then, Iíve named my cabinet (in January of 2007), amassed a rather small
war chest and Iím leaning heavily on my military record to curry favor with the
What military record? I beg your pardon. I spent nearly four of my salad years
in defense of this great country.
That, alone, should qualify me to become the most powerful leader on earth, but
thereís whole a lot more to brag about.
I was highly decorated. Thatís right. I received the military service ribbon.
(Some people might whisper that EVERYBODY who joins the military getís that.
Ignore them. Theyíre just trying to Swift Boat me)
I, like Sen. John McCain, spent some time wearing a uniform during that Vietnam
conflict. Unfortunately, at least for this column, I didnít get shot down.
I did get attacked by mosquitoes my entire year at Danang. That should get me a
few votes from other GIís who know that Vietnamís mosquitoes were the size of
Conversing with the Vietnamese should cement my foreign policy credentials.
I could never understand what they meant when they talked to me, because they
spoke in some other language.
I had to rely heavily on my instincts Ė which will certainly help me to look
foreign leaders in the eye and ďsense their souls.Ē
Isnít that what George W. Bush does? Certainly nobody ever questions his
But my Vietnam experiences alone arenít enough to solidify my worthiness as a
national security expert. My four years as a cop in the United States Air Force
takes care of that minor detail.
There were some very long nights, walking flight lines and protecting KC-135ís,
F-4 fighter planes and even nuclear devices that provided a valuable basis for
my national security knowledge.
And whatís even better, my official Air Force job title was SECURITY police
I used to put my life on the (flight) line everyday. There were times when Iíd
walk non-stop for eight hours to ensure that no terrorist would come close
enough to me to bribe with a Dr. Scholls foot pad.
While I was stationed at Langley Air Force Base in Virginia, I even had the
opportunity to guard nuclear bombs. If I do say so myself - itís a tribute to me
that I didnít try to take one of those babies home to find out how it works.
I never touched one of them. Why not? Because I knew 40 years ago that someday
Iíd be running for president, and JUDGMENT is very important.
If (or should I say when) Iím elected, I will be the first American president
who actually stood within arms reach of a nuclear bomb.
There it was. There I was. I stood vigilantly for hours, praying the thing
wouldnít start ticking and Iíd have to leave my post and forsake the interests
of the American people.
Or, THE ALTERNATIVE VERSION: There it was. There I was. I cowered for hours,
praying the thing wouldnít start ticking and Iíd have run as fast as I could to
protect my posterior.
Fortunately, those things didnít start ticking. Iím still here today, with only
good memories of my devotion to the wellbeing of the United States of America.
I, alone, can take that devotion into the Oval Office and wear it proudly
everyday of my eight years in office.
So, John McCain is a war hero. I would never downplay the enormous sacrifices
heís made that are emblematic of a guy whoís made enormous sacrifices. Huh?
In my mind, Iím a war hero too. Iíve stared down the abyss. Iíve faced irate
Vietnamese. Iíve sleep walked into fighter jets.
On November 4th, you have a clear choice. You can vote for me, or you can vote
for either of two guys whoíve never contemplated taking a nuclear bomb home for
the heck of it.